PhD Dreams vs. Chronic Pain Reality

Put a finger down if you have been in so much pain that it hurts to walk and you feel like you want to faint when you have to walk up and down the stairs. Welcome to my TedTalk. I am loving the PhD, but my legs are hating me for it. And, I know my therapist said it is important to be grounded, however, I low key want to disassociate. It feels like pins are going in my feet, into my calves, into my quads, and making its home in my hips. It turns out that this post is about disability awareness. If you have read any of my posts, you know that I was diagnosed with complex PTSD. Because of this, I have had struggles with sleeping, eating, and even mobility. At least, that's what I am told by medical professionals. It feels like not that I am in a great place, in my dream apartment, in my dream PhD program, my body is giving out. Es decir, I am in so much pain that it is hard to get out of bed.

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I feel almost like a almost like a failure. JK, I am amazing. But, I am still amaz-balls even with pain down both my legs. Tbh, I do feel like a failure because I cannot show up in my everyday life in a way that feels authentic to who I really am. How am I supposed to walk to class? How am I supposed to stand for 75-minute class? How does one focus when they feel like something is constantly pinching your calf muscles, quad muscles and causing stomach pain? I am not sure. I do not have the answer for you. Mix all those aches and pains with my studies and everyday life.. this has taken more out of me than I care to admit. While advocating for myself, I asked for a wheelchair. I was forewarned that people may change how they treat me. To be honest, who gives a fuck? My health and wellbeing is more important than the changes in people's behaviors toward me. Besides, I cannot control them. I can only control me. It is important that I advocate for myself because no one can read my mind. They might be able to see that I am experiencing discomfort because it is so intense, but I must communicate how intense the pain is. Oh, and this is not difficult to share. If it was difficult to share, I would not share it. These thoughts and emotions have been shared with my loved ones first. And then I share it here. I like this blog because I enjoy writing. And, in spite of my love for linguistics, sometimes I just want to write about something else. The most pertinent thing at this moment - the pain in my legs. The ringing in my ears. The deep pain in my stomach. It is hard being in limbo trying to figure out what is wrong. But what makes it easier is my support system. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.