Today.

Today I woke up in a hospital. Alone. No cell phone. No laptop. No friends or family close. My dad lives on the other side of the country. I do not speak to my mom. My childhood best friend lives in a different state. And, my dear husband is tired of the chaos... to say the least. So, when I called and realized how bad things have gotten, I realized the issue was, in fact, me. Yes, I have been hurt. People from the family I married into told me they did not like me, they told me to fuck off, and they told me once my then boyfriend is done with me, they are done with me. Those words have created deep wounds in my mind that I am working to fix. These wounds coupled with the ones from childhood. Hell, I am tired too.

I do trust my husband. I can hear it in his voice and see in his face that he is tired. In the book Failures of Forgiveness by Miysha Cherry, she explains why someone would want to withhold forgiveness. If my husband does not forgive me for the way I expressed my anger, I understand. I understand because I have some forgiving that I need to do, too.

I recognize where my lashing out and anger stems from. I see how people's emotions get caught in the crosshairs of my... antics. That does not mean that I am not lovable. My husband told me that.. and he shows me that. He was the first person with whom I shared my story. Without a doubt, he believed me. I went on to share that story with friends. After years of not speaking to my childhood best friend, in our first conversation, she believed me, too. My heart aches for the pain I caused. The pain I caused particularly to my husband. He is my best friend. He is the one I enjoy spending time with. He is what Heather Headley sang about in her song. While I did not understand it when I was younger, not only do I understand it, I married a man who embodies the lyrics. Because... I am married to the perfect man for me, I get to be the strongest person I have ever known. Besitos con un poco de canela, Tara.. (don't call me Sol if you don't know me like that.) P.s. just because I am not home does not mean my husband is on the market. He loves and respects ME... I will still... wish... that you stub your toe several times in one day if you try to flirt with him while I am away.