PTSD & Me.

PTSD impacts every area of my life. Let me give you examples - I can't have children because I have not processed the loss of my children. I can't walk right now because my legs are in so much pain. I can't use my cell phone right now, because I use that to numb the pain that I am feeling. I can't pursue the PhD because I feel I don't deserve it. I can't live independently because I am still trying to appease my mom... a woman I have not spoken to for years. Why does she still have a hold on me?

I am heartbroken. So many people say, "it is not your fault." But I am the one who has to live with this. I am the one who has to ask for help to fix something that is already so painful to connect with. That something is my body. My body held babies that never were able to be held in my hands. I was never able to rock them to sleep. I was never able to kiss their foreheads. I... how do I mourn children that I never learned their personality... I never learned their needs. I never was able to protect them. Now I am ferociously protecting myself.

When I think of 5th grade, I think about the abortion I had in the elementary school bathroom. I carry those memories with me. I think of the girl who I called my best friend, but we got into a fight. I saw in a movie that the girls fought because they were angry with each other, but they were always cool. Now I know that that was just a movie. I think of all those years that I thought I was living life through a movie lens. Now, I am just looking back on all of it and understanding why it makes sense. Because... I was living a life of trauma. A life of pain and anguish.

I am reading a book called the Failures of Forgiveness by Myisha Cherry. I am reading this book because I feel like I never get past go when it comes to forgiving people. I don't care how long ago it was. Fool me, can't get fooled again - J. Cole/George Bush reference, lol. I am hoping that Myisha can address some of the gaps that I feel are glaringly obvious when we ask people to forgive. If not, well, there are more books to read to find the answers in the back of the book.

Con amor y un poco de canela, Sol